A week or so ago I posted a blurb on my Instagram about my personal struggles lately. And while a lot of it has to do with my change in routine since our big move, a lot of the struggle has always been there. Because so many of my followers seemed to relate in some way, shape or form, I decided to take the time to dig a little deeper.
Let’s Be Honest
One of the most beautiful things, and one of the most terrifying things, about blogging is that I get the chance to be totally open and honest with my readers. It’s a very gray area. On one hand, it’s no fun to air your dirty laundry. On the other hand, I know that I can potentially help someone else by sharing my thoughts and experiences with you. So, let’s be honest.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression about twelve years ago after going through a very tough transition in my life. I ended up on antidepressants for the first time ever. It was such a weird feeling. Here I was taking this medicine to help me feel better emotionally, and yet I was kind of frustrated that it wouldn’t let me feel certain big emotions. I ended up experiencing a few anxiety attacks during that time of my life, but fortunately I’ve not had one in over 7 years.
I will tell you that my anxiety was pretty well managed up until the COVID pandemic hit. And then, as I put my babies back into public school, my anxiety became harder to manage. I went back on antidepressants and haven’t stopped using them since then.
What’s Wrong Now?
So you may be wondering…what’s wrong now? It’s not that there is one thing in particular that is wrong. In fact, I have a lot of great things happening in my life right now. It’s just that my thinking is getting in the way of my every day being. Moving from my home of forever to a new state is the most likely trigger. Life has changed, and while I miss my loved ones, I’m not really sad about leaving. What’s bothering me most is that my routine has changed, and without my routine I don’t know what to do with myself.
It’s a weird thing. There are some people that are able to impulsively do whatever, whenever. They can wake up each day, knowing only a little of what they’re going to do that day, and then decide the rest as they go. Then there are those people that thrive with routines. They wake up each day knowing what they’re doing that day and what their purpose is. I’m kind of in the middle of those two; I can be flexible as needed, but I need to know my purpose.
Here in North Carolina my purpose has changed. Yes, I’m still a stay-at-home-mom. Yes, I still have all of my normal wife and motherly duties. But my blog changed, as well as the audience. My potential return-to-work timeline changed. So while my husband and my kids are out creating new routines and making new friends, I’m sitting here wondering what’s next for me. And that little bit of wondering has now turned into one gigantic anxious internal monster.
Finding a New Way
With all of that in mind, it’s time for me to find a new way. I am one that needs to solve problems, not let them sit and continue to breakdown. I’ve realized over the last few weeks that if I don’t start to find a way for me to find myself again, then my internal anxiety monster will only get worse. She will only continue to create self-doubt, to tear my confidence apart, and to cause me to question myself. And so now, I have to do something about it.
I have a few ideas and tools in my arsenal that I plan to use. The first is an app called Sanvello. I am fortunate enough that my health insurance provides me with a premium membership as a perk. I have been using it for about a month now. It has all kinds of tools available from therapists to affirmations to mental health check ins. If you’re interested you can check it out here. And if Sanvello won’t work for you, there are many other mental health apps and websites out there that you can utilize.
I’ve also created a vision board using Canva. It may seem silly to some, but there are those of us that benefit from visual representations of our goals. My goals may seem fairly streamlined, but that is the reality of what I’m going through.
But then there’s the last, and most important, thing that I plan to do. I plan to continue to be open. I want to be open with myself, with my husband, with my friends and family, and with you all when I feel comfortable to do so. If I get at least one person out there to change the way they think about themselves, and to better themselves, then I’ve accomplished something pretty great. As I go on this journey, I will continue to share ways that I am helping myself. Who knows, maybe you’ll be inspired to try one of those things for yourself.
Please, if you’re feeling down or worse, having harmful thoughts, please seek help. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. Getting help is nothing to be ashamed of. Talking about your feelings is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone feels sad or anxious at some time in their life, so you are not alone. Hang in there, we’ll get through this one day at a time❤️